Making Plans

I’ve asked and asked and asked: What is our mission? What are our plans? What are we going to do together? What does our Big Picture look like?

And I haven’t, for the life of me, been able to get a clear answer from my husband.

I don’t know if he can’t answer. If he won’t answer. Do the questions offend him? Are they too esoteric? Do they just seem silly? Is he just the type of person who wants to flow wherever life takes him? Is he a “let go and let God” guy who believes that you don’t have to plan at all? Does he think planning is futile? Unnecessary? Ineffective? I don’t quite know what be believes. And has been driving me crazy.

Eventually I started thinking, “Ef it! If he won’t talk about a plan for our life, then I’ll just start making plans of my own.” I began to throw myself into creating long-range plans and short-term schedules. I started fleshing out ideas that I’ve had, putting some meat on those dreams. Getting organized. Getting disciplined. Getting ready to roll.

It has bothered me to set goals that don’t include him, but I've felt t like I have no choice. The call to get moving is very strong, but I’m the kind of person who can’t press the gas without some directions, a map, a destination in mind. I need a plan for my life. I'm going to have a plan for my life. Period.

And then the revelation came.

Maybe that was the point: For me to do it for myself. It's my life, after all. I know myself well enough to know that if he had responded to my queries about his dreams and goals, I would have thrown myself wholeheartedly into his vision for our future. Because the reality is that I didn’t have a clear vision of my own aspirations. I had reached my previously set career goals (The NY magazine job). I had spent the past few years catching up on my personal goals (Marriage? Check. Child? Check. House? Check.). Now what? I had no idea.

That’s why I was pushing so hard for us to talk about it. I was hoping that he would help get me motivated or that we would motivate one another. In the end, not having a response from him ignited a fine-then-I’ll-show-YOU attitude that fired me up to get off my ass and start to think about the life I want.

To be honest, I’m still not absolutely clear on where I want my life to go. (Hmm, could that be why Said Husband has been so closed-lipped? He doesn’t quite know the answer to the questions I’ve been asking?) But I know some things I want in place. I know how I want my life to feel. I know I can find the ways and means. How, exactly, will it come together? I don’t quite know. But I’m working on a plan.