Exploring Fault Lines

Finally!!

Last fall, I was ranting about couple-heal-thyself books—all of which seemed to be some variation on “your guy is great and your relationship would be too if you could just manage to stay silent and get into man-adoration mode.” Where's the book called Wow, Your Wife is Great, I wondered.

That one still hasn't been published, as far as I can tell, but Yin seems to have found the next best thing: It's (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and The Men Who Love Them.

Author Robert Mark Alter definitely gets points for the title. (Forgive me for wanting to spread the relationship responsibility around a little.) I wonder how balanced his approach really is? A book like this could be a man basher or it could be a throw back to old "husbands should be in charge" thinking. And the reality always is that when you're fed up, you have some responsibility in that, too.

Have you read it? Let me know whether it’s worth checking out.

A Warrior

For my sisters in the midst of making change:

"A warrior is a hunter. She calculates everything. That's control. Once her calculations are over, she acts. She lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push her. No one can make her do things against herself or against her better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and she survives in the best of all possible fashions."

--adapted (by Yin) from Carlos Castaneda

Opposites Attract

That ain’t the problem. The magnetic pull of someone who seems so different from you is practically irresistible. And rather thrilling. Not only do you get to see yourself through different eyes (a view that’s especially appealing if you’re not particularly in love with your own picture of yourself) you get to decorate your homogeneous life with the exotic colors of your Significant Other’s otherness. You also get to congratulate yourself on your open mindedness and your tolerance. See how progressive and enlightened I am to make such a maverick alignment?

No, the attraction is not the problem. It’s getting the attraction to hold when all the variations of “opposite” begin to show themselves. And they will. It may take only a few weeks or months for the novelty to erode or for some circumstance to illuminate the fact that your lanes are diverging. (Say, you’re applying for a job at a Big 6 accounting firm, while he’s saving his tips for a six-month retreat to a Himalayan ashram.) But when the significance of the opposition is more subtle, you may find yourself half a decade into the thing, with adjoining paperwork—a marriage certificate, joint credit cards, a mortgage in both your names—or offspring with your eyes and an Attractive Opposite mouth.

At that point, you’ve got to ask yourself some hard questions, all of which can be summed up thus: Oh shit, what now?

You can take the “This is the Bed I Made, Now I Have to Lie in It” approach, but it rather reeks of self-blame—of wallowing in martyred suffering. A healthier tack might be to adopt the stoic maxim created by the Brit Ministry of Information during World War II: Keep Calm and Carry On. (The Negro Spiritual version of this is “I b’lieve I’ll run on and see what the end gon’ be.”) Either approach tamps down any tendency toward whining–which won’t much help in any case.

If you find yourself asking the question, What did I ever see in this person? don’t ask rhetorically. Aim to reclaim the true answer—and your appreciation for what it was that attracted you. If you find the answer, encase it in glass or bronze it or frame it to keep it for posterity.

But say your back isn’t up to lying in hard beds, and you can’t find any museum-quality traits in your Other. There is also the “Mission Accomplished” perspective with its presumed exit clause. Some people believe that they were brought together for a specific season or reason. When the purpose is past, they can peacefully move on.

I'm sure there are all kinds of beautiful stories of opposites living perfectly peaceful yin-yang lives (please share yours). From what I’ve been hearing lately, though, making a success of an opposites attraction takes some conscious, devoted doing.

I’m not advocating for homogeneity here. There’s a difference, I’d say, between opposites and people who balance each other out. When he knows how to light a fire under her and she knows how to settle him down—and each is willing to bend to the other’s influence—it can make for a beautiful whole.

In order for any of it to work, each must value the gifts of the other. It’s not about opposites attracting. It’s about appreciating your opposite.