Making Plans

I’ve begged and pleaded. I’ve asked over dinner. I’ve asked in e-mail. I’ve written letters.

What is our mission? What are our plans? What are we going to do together?

And I can’t, for the life of me, get an answer from my husband.

I don’t know if he can’t answer. If he won’t answer. Do the questions offend him? Do they just seem silly? Is he just the type of person that wants life to flow and take him along with it? Is he a “let go and let God” guy who believes that means you don’t have to plan at all? I don’t know what be believes. And it drives me crazy. It is a the crux of our relationship issues right now because his refusal to respond has left me wondering if he even has any aspirations for himself or his family. And, frankly, I don’t know how well I can deal with a person who doesn’t. But I can’t really make a decision about what I’ll deal with or won’t, because I don’t know what is going on in his ever-lovin’ head.

Finally, I just started thinking, “Ef it! If he won’t get a plan for his life, then I’ll just start making plans of my own.” Lately, I’ve thrown myself into creating long-range plans and short-term schedules. I’ve been fleshing out ideas that I’ve had, putting some meat on those dreams. Getting organized. Getting disciplined. Getting ready to roll.

It bothers me to set goals that don’t take him into consideration, but I feel like I have no choice. The call to get moving is very strong, and I’m the kind of person who can’t press the gas without some directions, a map, a destination in mind. I need a plan for my life. I'm going to have a plan for my life. Period.

And then the revelation came.

Maybe that was the point: For me to do it for myself. It's my life, after all. I know myself well enough to know that if he had responded to my queries about his dreams and goals, I would have thrown myself wholeheartedly into his vision for our future. Because the reality is, that I didn’t have a clear vision of my own aspirations. I had reached my previously set career goals (The cushy NY job). I had spent the past few years catching up on my personal goals (Marriage? Check. Child? Check. House? Check.). Now what? I had no idea what was next.

That’s why I was pushing so hard for us to talk about it. I was hoping that he would help get me motivated or that we would motivate one another. In the end, his inability (or stubborn refusal or whatever it was) to talk about it ignited a fine-then-I’ll-show-YOU attitude that fired me up to get off my ass and start to plan the life I want. As my girl Rox says, “I ain’t saying it’s right and I ain’t saying it’s healthy” but it certainly is helping to the job done.

To be honest, I’m still not absolutely clear on where I want my life to go. (Hmm, could that be why Said Husband has been so closed-lipped? He doesn’t quite know the answer to the questions I’ve been asking?) But I know some things I want in place. I know how I want my life to feel. I know I can find the ways and means. How, exactly, will it come together? I don’t quite know. But I’m working on it.